Have you been a mother?
by Jellybeansarecool
Summary: River Song Big Finish spoilers! When Julia asks River if she's been a mother before her mind goes to a hazy memory. Angst with a dash of fluff.


I haven't written anything in AGES! But that's university for you :)

I have had this floating around my head since I first listened to the Diary or River Song III. If you hasn't listened to it it won't make sense. Additionally, the dialogue at the end of the fic is from the second story 'A Requiem for the Doctor' by Jacqueline Rayner.

It's pretty angsty but does have some fluff in the middle but hopefully it is still enjoyable!

* * *

River screamed inwardly as she continued to dig deeper into the ground. The top of her curly hair was just visible over the edge of the hole. She was determined to give Lily the burial that she deserved. She had called the Doctor and knew that he would arrive soon, she could only hope that whatever face arrived was one who knew her. She couldn't bear to be alone. Not now, not after…

The last spadeful of sod fell on the now buried body when the wheezing grinding sound of the Tardis filled the air. River wiped a sweat-dampened curl from her head after dropping her spade to the ground. With a grim smile, she made her way to the Tardis. Her hearts dropped when her eyes fell on a young Doctor clad in cricket gear and adorned with a celery stalk. He walked towards her and they spoke for a short while, River convincing him that he should bring her along. This was going to work she chanted to herself, she just needed to be with him really… any him would do at the moment.

Stepping into the console room River's eyes flicked to the unknown young woman standing next to the console. Fighting back exhaustion and devastation River quickly made her excuses and fled for another part of the Tardis. Her mother hummed sympathetically as she burst into one of the rooms lining the hallway. There wasn't much by the way of decoration, a desk, a few books on pottery, and a vast display of earthenware.

Grabbing the neck of a vase River let out a scream of pain. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she blindly smashed anything and everything she could get her hands on. The pain of discovering what had been done to her beyond the atrocities that she had already endured burned up inside of her. The pain joined with the heartbreak of not getting to know those who were the same as her. She was alone in the universe again. The Doctor who had come was not one who knew her, not one she could talk to about what had happened, not even a version of her Sweetie that she could push against a wall and lose herself in, forgetting the events of days past.

The chokehold of loss, pain, and exhaustion brought River to her knees. In the of a room of broken pottery, a lone pot sat unmarred by the whirlwind of destruction River had brought amidst screams of frustration and anguish. Head bowed and panting from exertion she didn't notice the potshards disappearing from the room and materializing as complete objects, regaining their positions on the pedestals from which they had been thrown.

The soft creak of the door being pushed open brought River's head up. The figure standing in the doorway was not what she expected. She tried to school her expression of surprise at the sight of the small toddler. His black curly hair floated around his small round face like whispers. He had a small thumb in his mouth and from that curled fist hung a deep blue blanket that was edged in blue satin. The end of the blanket dragged along the floor past his small feet clad in his footie PJs. The pajamas were covered in stars and planets, the colour of which highlighted the boy's bright eyes.

The little boy stumbled through the doorway. It was evident that walking was a newly accomplished skill. He took toddling steps toward River, his free hand raised in an attempt to balance himself.

Releasing his thumb from the captivity of his mouth the boy babbled. He repeated the same word over and over with some different words interspersed. It took River's shocked mind a moment to register what language the child was speaking – Gallifreyan. The word that he kept repeating as he slowly made his way across the room was one unknown to her but every so often she would catch one that she believed that she understood, "sad", "ouchie", and "ok".

Just as he was about to reach River the little boy stumbled and fell. Before he could hit the ground River lunged forward and snatched him up. She rolled him over onto his back and rested him on her lap. Giggles escaped the child's mouth as he flung his pudgy arms around her neck and snuggled his head into her chest. River looked down at the small body in her arms and took a shuddering breath. This was something that she could only dream of.

Sensing her distress the boy lifted his head and looked into her eyes. He released his grip on her neck and ran a soft palm across her cheek to wipe away a rebellious tear that had escaped.

"Ok? Sad?" he asked in the ancient language of the Time Lords.

River nodded and snuggled her face into his torso. The smell of time radiated off of him and the sound of two small hearts beating resonated through her ears.

He giggled as he wriggled to escape from her hold. Placing two palms flat on the floor he steadied himself and stood up. He placed a soft wet kiss on River's cheek before taking a couple of steps. When River didn't stand he turned around with a furrowed brow, "Come." He said along with the word that continued to elude River's understanding.

She stood, scooping up the discarded blanket in one hand, she placed her free hand in the toddler's and steadied him. She bent over in order to maintain her handhold on the little boy as he led her into the hallway and down to a door she had never seen before. The door was a brilliant blue and covered in stickers of stars and planets. It was also plastered with the scribbles of a young hand. She did not have enough time to look closely at the pictures as her small guide pushed the door open and led her into the room.

The room was obviously that of a small child. A toddler's bed with a protective railing stood in one corner. Close to the bed but not close enough to be grasped by small hands stood a worn rocking chair. A bookshelf overflowed with picture books from a variety of different planets took up one of the walls. Pressed against the side of the bookshelf was a chest filled with a variety of toys. It was obvious what toy was the boy's favourite, however. It sat on the bed, a stuffed version of a Roman centurion. River picked it up, it bore a striking resemblance to her father.

The boy yawned and rubbed his eye. River bent down and gently carried him over to the rocking chair. She rocked slowly and reached for a worn book that he pointed to while holding the stuffed toy close to his chest. It was the tale of the Last Centurion. She opened the cover and began to read the Gallifreyan script that flowed across the glossy pages of the picture book. By the time she turned the last page his eyes were firmly closed and his breathing was slow and rhythmic.

Gently clutching him to her chest River placed the book down on the seat of the chair and placed the child beneath a blanket that had the Medusa Cascade printed on it. She brushed the dark curls off of his forehead and he rolled over mumbling the word that she still didn't understand as well as what means "I love you."

Hearts pounding River tiptoed out of the room and gently shut the door. She took a step away and turned back to look at the pictures that adorned the door but it had vanished, only the smooth wall of the hallway remained.

With a heartbroken sigh, River headed toward the library in order to learn what the word the child repeated means. Flicking through the third book on Galifreyan grammar and word use River felt her eyelids droop. She didn't need much sleep but her body had been worn down physically and emotionally. Gritting her teeth she grabbed another book. Tears threatened to spill over as she scanned the entry that she had been looking for.

The word that the little boy had repetitively used in reference to her was a young child's term for "womb parent". It was an archaic word that wasn't often used. Children on Gallifrey were more likely to use other words that expressed the connection between them and their parents, especially in light of the differing ways in which a child would be brought into being. However, according to the author of the book, the loss of the use of "womb parent" brought with it a loss of the concept of an intimate relationship of love and dependence.

Bowing her head River hugged the book to her chest and let her hearts swell with the possibility that the small child she had just cradled to her body was indeed the child she never thought she would be able to have. A child that was only realized in ever distant dreams.

* * *

"River! Oh sorry to wake you. We're going to Vienna!" The Doctor smiled with his head poking around the door frame.

River pried her eyes open and lifted her head from its resting place on the mahogany desk. She smiled sleepily at the Doctor and nodded to let him know she would be with him in a moment.

He smiled back at her and spun on his heels before making his way back to the console room.

River looked around but didn't see the book that she had been using last night. In fact, she didn't see any of the books she had been pouring over. She sighed as she ran a hand over her face, it must have been one big dream. But if it was a dream, how did she get into the library?

Shaking her head in an effort to dispel the last remnants of sleep River took a deep breath. Vienna, she nodded to herself, she could do this. An adventure might be just what she needs to clear her head.

* * *

"My purpose has always been to save lives!" Julia rounded on River angrily in the middle of the Viennan street.

"Well, you've picked a funny way of going about it."

Julia scoffed painfully at the Professor's response.

River looked into the pained eyes of Julia, "Sorry. Sorry. Look," she took a deep breath before plowing on, "Look, I think it would be fair to say that the Doctor is in favour of saving lives. So tell me, explain what you mean and maybe I can help."

Julia laughed, shaking her head she asked, "Wh… Wh… You can bring back the dead?"

"Tell me," demanded River.

Julia took a deep shuddering breath, she leaned forward to look deep into River's eyes, "Are you a mother?" She asked softly.

River sighed, "No, no… I've nev..…" she stopped, visions of the little curly haired boy floating into her mind. But that was just a dream, wasn't it?

River's face dropped a little before she forced her mask to settle back in place, "No." A lump in the back of her throat almost betrayed the hurt that stabbed at her hearts.

At River's answer, Julia's shoulders slumped, "Then you cannot understand."

"I think that you will find that we can all understand grief, mother or not. Because it's grief we are talking about here, isn't it?" River questioned, pushing the image of the little boy into the far reaches of her mind. She had a job to do if she was going to help the Doctor with the issue at hand.

The old woman looked at River with pain filled eyes, "My little Elise," she began as her voice dropped down to a whisper.

"My own sweet child." Julia fought back tears as a few words passed through the heavy lump that had formed in her aged throat. "I…I cannot." She faded into silence and took a few steps back.

River took a step forward towards the old medicine woman and implored her. "You are talking to the only woman in Vienna, probably the only woman on earth at this moment who understands what it's like to live longer than everyone else." River took a breath before continuing, "To have seen so many friends die…" Images of her parents and many others flew through her brain.

River started again, "But there is that one death, unlike any other, the one you can't even bear to think about." For a split moment, she was back in Berlin. Back on that godforsaken beach on the edge of Lake Silencio. She's reliving those moments when she kills her husband, but this time, the times that live themselves out in her nightmares, he doesn't return, he remains in the realm of the dead.

Refocused back on the medicine woman River took a steadying breath, "Tell me…tell me about Elise."


End file.
